Short of a Full Deck - Chez Goodman 
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Originally compiled by Alan Silverstein.

"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a wall / hod.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flower short of an arrangement.
A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
A handle short of a suitcase.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A mental midget.  -- Moe Howard
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.  -- Churchill
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pane short of a window.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A signature short of a book.
A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
A span short of a bridge.
A square with only three sides.
A teabag short of a pot.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect...  In a world full of icebergs.
A tower short of a castle.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A wind-up clock without a key.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
All booster, no payload.
All crown, no filling.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All missile, no warhead.
All shot, no powder.
All the lights don't shine in her marquis.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /
caulking / saran wrap.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All wax and no wick.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An ego like a black hole.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).
Any slower and he'd be in reverse.  -- Gignac
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As quick as a corpse.
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl
of Jello, and twice as smart.
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.  -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as two short planks.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches
with his head.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Bubbles in her think tank.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/
compass/flashlight/bloodhound (in a locked closet).
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cauliflower for brains.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collects cards for Craig.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.  (Common in Australia.)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter.  (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Does aerobics...  in his head.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up
in a hammock.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.  -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Donated her body to science...  before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as asphalt / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
End of season sale at the cerebral department.  -- Gareth Blackstock
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
pop gun / cap gun.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Flying/landing on one engine.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Fruity as a nutcake.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
Goalie for the dart team.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Gyros are loose.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb.  -- attributed to Mark Twain
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
missing from his deck altogether.
Has a few wait states.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a slow clock.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has no upper stage.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent."
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like
watching tennis.
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the brains of a house plant.
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's diagnosable.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
Her tires are a little low.
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His buffer is full.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero."
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His system administrator is never in.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he
thinks he's worth.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her
nose / the wax out of her ears.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky
car around the inside of a cheerio.
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe
will come true.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inspected by #13.
Intellectually challenged.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Knitting with only one needle.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Lights not burning too bright.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
jumped the track.
Lives in La-la-land.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Metronome needs oil.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /
nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they
can be tied in the back.
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in
a vacuum.
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not enough brains cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child).
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not worth pissin' on.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Number 'n a hake.  (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bit short of a byte.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One card/marble shy of a full deck.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One shingle shy of a roof.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One side short of a pentagon.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One step short of the attic.
One taco short of a combination plate.
One tree short of a hammock.
One weight short of a shipwreck.
Only one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Over the rainbow.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire...  for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like
putting a pea on a six lane highway.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Receiver is off the hook.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
Running at 300 baud.
Running on empty.
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S  p  a  c  e  d   o  u  t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So dim that his psychic carries a flashlight.
So fat that people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some pages missing.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult).
Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs.  -- Jackie Gleason
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with
a little Prozac and a polo mallet.  -- Woody Allen
Thick as a brick.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
Three chickens short of a henhouse.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
Zero K memory.

Copyright © 2004 David K. Goodman. All Rights Reserved.
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